(Right up top to get it out of the way: you may use the pronouns he, she, or they if you refer to me in conversation.)
Hello, I am transgender. It’s the biggest step in my journey of self-discovery and actualization so far, and I felt like I needed to get it out in public, make it real. Reify my inner self, concretize feelings into action.
The simplest term I would use to describe myself is ungendered or agender—in other words, I do not consider myself to “have” or “be” a gender. My inner self is not tethered to my physical body, or vice versa. I have the ability to choose how I present, and I have some ability to control how I am perceived. I can wear makeup, wear different clothes, speak differently, etc. There is the chance to embrace ambiguity, and I finally feel confident enough to enter that space fully, rather than dance around it.
All of these revelations have happened on what could be considered an accelerated timeline—I spent most of my twenties in a repressed state, not fully committed to even being out as a bisexual, which, as you might guess, is not a great way to live.
As soon as I realized I was going to be alive to turn 30, I realized that lots of things needed to change. I realized I wasn’t a cisgender man in very late December 2015—like, New Year’s Eve late, and I didn’t confess this to my wife until a few days into 2016, when we saw The Force Awakens together (the less said about the state of Star Wars the better)—which triggered an extremely deep anxious depression, a crisis of identity. How trans was I? I knew that I was no longer definitionally a man, but what did that really mean? Was I a woman? Would I have to seriously consider hormone replacement therapy? What was my life really going to be like in the future?
It was the start of the journey I’m on right now, the journey that led to getting serious about writing, starting this blog, getting back in shape, and getting the medical help I needed, through medications and talk therapy.
I’ll go into more detail in future posts, but right now I can comfortably say that I will probably never transition chemically, and definitely never transition surgically. However, I know that I am no longer a “man” in any meaningful sense of the term.